we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
