im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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