I got chris browned last night
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If I die, sorry about rent.
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