Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
