Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
