Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
