I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
