MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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