Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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