My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Im part way to drunk.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
