Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
