im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
