remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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