He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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