I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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