So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
