I met the friendliest cop last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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