Jerry, you need to find god
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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