I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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