If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
