Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
