I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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