I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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