When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
