my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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