onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
