clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
