he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
