I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
why do cheetos always look like penises
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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