I'm sorry my penis didn't work
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
