My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
