Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
