so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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