I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
