You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Randomize
