i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We have started to decorate penises.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
