You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I wish there were birth control emojis
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
