I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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