So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
