shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
