why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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