you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
