I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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