your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
