its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
