He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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