I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
