I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pour the whiskey from now on
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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