I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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