I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
