I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So many bounce houses so little time
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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