They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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