you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
