I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dignity is for republicans.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize